Campus Reeling in Shock After Horrific Revelation that Someone Wanted to be in SAE that Badly

A recent article describing in graphic detail the initiation rituals of one member’s pledge term for Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity has shaken campus. While many critics of the article accuse the author, who chose to not be named due to his general hatred of attention, of exaggeration and lying, the Dunyun does not wish to downplay the horrific nature of this article.

Sarah Flenderson ’12, the Panhell spokeswoman, felt sick after reading the editorial, "I was seriously mortified. I mean, I could barely even finish reading...the blitz from my friend telling me this kid was an SAE."

Chi Gam Sends Brobible Video to Everyone he Knows

Last weekend, video footage of the Chi Gam basement was posted to the Brobible.com home page. The video featured Rick Papajohn ’12 dancing to “Hey Ya” in what Chi Gams are calling “a typical night in the Gam.” Dan Jacobs ’13 first stumbled upon the video during his daily rounds of the Internet (“Dartboard, WSJ, Brobible”), and immediately blitzed the link out to Chi Gam, subject: “Brobible Status—what up.”

Bottle of Long Trail Ale Solidifies Brother Status

With pledge term behind him, Jonah Adams ’14 headed over to SAE last night for some finals week pong. As a newly initiated brother, Adams confidently walked upstairs and secured a Long Trail Harvest Brown Ale from a ’13 friend. “Why drink Keystone when you don’t have to?” said Adams while pouring small amounts of his brew into cups for pong. “He just got downstairs and immediately got on table. I was like, no way!” said Daniel Jensen ’15, while waiting out a line of three. “But then I saw the fancy beer he was holding; dude’s a brother. Respect.” Sources report seeing Adams several hours later, emphatically holding the same bottle while talking to a group of female ‘15s, though he had “definitely emptied it during pong.”

Marching Band wakes up entire Campus

At 11:00 AM on the morning of the Princeton football game, Dartmouth students were arisen from their slumber by the horn section of Dartmouth’s esteemed marching band. Jeffrey Cohen ‘14 had fallen asleep at 5:30 AM after two games of harbor and several tequila shots, which he had “chased with high-fives.” Yet Cohen was thrilled to start his day with 40 loud instruments playing way too loudly outside his first floor Wheeler window. Surprisingly, Cohen was not seen at the football game later that day. A hungover Cohen assured the Dunyun that he would have been in attendance but he had to vomit, shower, and fall back to sleep.

Other Fraternities Kappatalize on AD, TDX, BG Probation

With the three fraternities that make up “the only circuit that matters” on probation for winter, other fraternities are looking to kappatalize by attracting new people to come over to hang out, play pong, and enjoy the snow. Harry Aht ’13 is hoping that his fraternity gets a much-needed influx of social kappatal after spending fall term literally knee-deep in ‘15s. To fully kappatalize, Phi Delt is temporarily changing its classic rock playlist to include more Katy Perry and LMFAO. Members of Panarchy believe the house can maintain its high level of kappatilization by also enjoying the snow.

Unopened Box of Condoms Haunts Freshman's Fall

Excited to begin a new, sexually active, phase of his life, Brian Houston ’15 purchased a box of Trojan Her Pleasure® condoms for freshman fall because, “it’s really about her, not me.” He placed the box in the drawer beside his bed, even removing the plastic wrapping for easier access. However, after only handful of dance floor makeouts, the box continues to sit untouched in his drawer, with the exception of two condoms used in an impromptu water balloon fight on his floor before he realized the cool kids lived in the Choates and not East Wheelock.

Houston cited several reasons for his lack of action this term; “I was really feeling out the scene and focusing on making friends. I’ve laid a ton of groundwork with girls for next term, especially with this cutie on my hall. As soon as she realized that freshman guys actually have a lot to offer, I'm in, literally.” When asked, Houston rebuffed the idea that he was too ambitious and maybe should’ve started with the 3-pack.

'14 Bumps Freshmen off Table Because He Can

Despite being a member of TriKap for two months, Nick Meyer ’14 still felt a rush of adrenaline when bumping a pair of freshmen off table simply because he could. The freshmen, who had waited out a line of four, looked disheartened but accepted their fate as they left their fully racked tree and walked out of the basement. Meyer then searched for a partner but drew little interest since every other brother in the sparsely populated basement was either playing or had next, with some also looking for a partner. After thirty minutes, Meyer was able to start his game after “his boy” made it over from Topliff.

Two Months of Putting up with Shit Rewarded with Formal Invite

After a two-month on-again off-again “relationship,” Annie McCoy ‘15 patience was finally rewarded with an invitation to Bones Gate formal by Phillip Weaver ‘14. A good time was had by all, despite Weaver making his date wait outside his door while he and his friends “got ready” beforehand, claiming “you never know who is undercover HPO these days”, and not letting her sleep over because “the BG dog gets really cold and shivery without blankets.”

Like all couples, Weaver and McCoy had their ups and downs, including Weaver “maybe” hooking up with two other girls, the couple rarely communicating and not going on dates other than breakfast at the Hop. However, McCoy saw formal as a turning point; “It was so so so much fun, I got this awesome dress at Bella and we looked so cute together. I also met a ton of girls in KDE and APhi who were so excited to meet me and weren’t at all annoyed by how drunk I was. Phillip is just so sweet.” Proof of this formal date can be seen in McCoy’s 140-picture Facebook album entitled 4MAL!!!

Still No Specifics Set for Tentative Lunch Date

Despite over thirty passing discussions that “We should totally grab lunch some time” and “Oh my God yes, I’ll blitz you as soon as I finish all the stuff I have going on this week”, no specifics have been set for the lunch date between Marissa Harrison ’13 and Katie Parnell ’13. The estranged freshmen floormates regularly saw each other in Collis, at the Gym and in their 10A, but have failed to outline the specifics for the lunch. Harrison lamented: “She’s such a nice girl and I love her but we’re both so busy, it’s hard to find a time that works.” Harrison declined to comment on whether she or Parnell had made any attempt to find this elusive time that works or whether or not hundreds of other tentative lunch dates were getting in the way.

President Kim Announces New Mascot: the Dartmouth Aires

Thanks to the administration’s help, the Dartmouth Aires finished 2^nd in NBC’s “The Sing-Off” last night. In a bold move, President Kim has made the Dartmouth Aires the official mascot of Dartmouth. This decision comes on the heels of unprecedented popularity for the all-male a cappella group who were the real winners of the Sing-Off last night (shit was rigged).